My life looks like this

It's been awhile.

Life is hard. My optic nerves hemorrhaged again, I'm flat broke, and I have a crazy schedule right now. But ya know what? I'm happy. I'm happy with where my life is headed, and with the people around me. I know that they will support me and be there for me. I don't waste time worrying about people that wouldn't worry about me. In the past, I gravitated towards people who were negative. I was negative, and I wanted those people around me, to convince me that the way I was behaving was okay. I realized that it is too toxic for me. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, or make excuses. I want someone to inspire me with their future, not impress me with their past.

Student teaching is crazy and enlightening.

I feel like I have spent too long being stagnant. For me, 2011 is about living life and getting myself that much closer to the person I want to be. Because I have a feeling that person is pretty awesome.

the sky was the limit.

i try to be honest with myself, i really do. but sometimes, i find myself saying things that seem right, but in my mind and my heart i know they don't represent who i am. what i mean is, i hide a lot of things. i don't let it show when things get to me, when somebody disappoints me or hurts me. i just act like it's no big thing, like i could give a shit what they do anyway.

i really, really need to stop doing that.

this is a place where time reverses.

i've thought and re-thought
about what we said
but i cant stop thinking about what you werent saying.
why am i so concerned with what didnt happen?
it's harder to know what you mean when i don't know what you didn't mean at all.



i've been feeling incredibly mopey.

i leave for my cross-country road trip friday morning. i've found myself more curious about the in-between points, the places we'll be racing past and only seeing from a highway.
sometimes i wish i could see everything at once.

It is a toss-up.

Generally, weird things happen to me. But the weird things that happen can be easily classified in my mind as one of two things: Hilarious or Bizarre. Today, I think, was an even dose of both. Because of this collision of events, my world will likely soon implode.



I had to volunteer at 7 am, which required me to take public transit at 6:45 am. This kind of situation would usually be a surefire way to ruin my day. I am not a morning person, nor am I a public transportation person. Mix the two and await the awful aftermath. But I don't know, this morning was different for me. It was nice out, there weren't a bunch of douchebags walking too slow in front of me, I got to wear my fancy spring jacket. So I'm a little bit peppier than usual, and I'm sitting on the platform waiting for my train. Enter, as my friend has so creatively dubbed him, the Black Tooth Fairy.



He came and stood a little bit behind me, just in my peripheral vision. I had passed him on my wait into the station, a homeless man in his late 40's to early 50's. He was talking to the train attendant and I noticed that he only had two teeth in his bottom row of his mouth, on opposite sides like fangs. He was clearly out of it, but I couldn't tell you what it was a result of. I could tell he was looking at me, and I was sure he would ask me for money, which would be followed by an awkward exchange considering I didn't have any cash or change or anything on me. The situation would be made more awkward once I told him no, and then had to continue standing next to him until a train arrived. So he crosses in front of me and comes to stand to my right, about 4 feet away, staring at me with his back to the rest of the platform. Our conversation went something like this:



Him: (In a whisper) Hey, hey, hey.

Me: (Good mood, Sunday morning, willing myself not to be short with him) Hi, good morning.

Him: (Still whispering) Hey, you're real pretty.

Me: (Uncomfortable) Oh, thank-

Him: (Cutting me off, whispering) I don't have nobody to go home to. Can I go home with you?

Me: (are-you-serious-right-now is all over my face) Um. No. Sorry.

Him: (Whispering, eyes widening) Can I have sex with you?

Me: No.



He then walked away, apparently convinced that I wasn't going to put out for him, and rendering me of no use to him. I was entirely uncomfortable with what had happened, but at the same time wanted to laugh so hard. I got several tips from friends regarding what they would have done or what I should do now.


While most people are recommending that I start carrying mace/guns(that was the bartender at work), one friend suggested a corn cob that I could have presented to this toothless man as a dare.

"Eat this corn cob and I'll think about it."



I ride the el alone pretty frequently, but this was the first ride that involved an outright proposition for sex. I find this all quite troubling.