Sunday, March 2, 2008

It is a toss-up.

Generally, weird things happen to me. But the weird things that happen can be easily classified in my mind as one of two things: Hilarious or Bizarre. Today, I think, was an even dose of both. Because of this collision of events, my world will likely soon implode.

I had to volunteer at 7 am, which required me to take public transit at 6:45 am. This kind of situation would usually be a surefire way to ruin my day. I am not a morning person, nor am I a public transportation person. Mix the two and await the awful aftermath. But I don't know, this morning was different for me. It was nice out, there weren't a bunch of douchebags walking too slow in front of me, I got to wear my fancy spring jacket. So I'm a little bit peppier than usual, and I'm sitting on the platform waiting for my train. Enter, as my friend has so creatively dubbed him, the Black Tooth Fairy.

He came and stood a little bit behind me, just in my peripheral vision. I had passed him on my wait into the station, a homeless man in his late 40's to early 50's. He was talking to the train attendant and I noticed that he only had two teeth in his bottom row of his mouth, on opposite sides like fangs. He was clearly out of it, but I couldn't tell you what it was a result of. I could tell he was looking at me, and I was sure he would ask me for money, which would be followed by an awkward exchange considering I didn't have any cash or change or anything on me. The situation would be made more awkward once I told him no, and then had to continue standing next to him until a train arrived. So he crosses in front of me and comes to stand to my right, about 4 feet away, staring at me with his back to the rest of the platform. Our conversation went something like this:

Him: (In a whisper) Hey, hey, hey.

Me: (Good mood, Sunday morning, willing myself not to be short with him) Hi, good morning.

Him: (Still whispering) Hey, you're real pretty.

Me: (Uncomfortable) Oh, thank-

Him: (Cutting me off, whispering) I don't have nobody to go home to. Can I go home with you?

Me: (are-you-serious-right-now is all over my face) Um. No. Sorry.

Him: (Whispering, eyes widening) Can I have sex with you?

Me: No.

He then walked away, apparently convinced that I wasn't going to put out for him, and rendering me of no use to him. I was entirely uncomfortable with what had happened, but at the same time wanted to laugh so hard. I got several tips from friends regarding what they would have done or what I should do now.

While most people are recommending that I start carrying mace/guns(that was the bartender at work), one friend suggested a corn cob that I could have presented to this toothless man as a dare.

"Eat this corn cob and I'll think about it."

I ride the el alone pretty frequently, but this was the first ride that involved an outright proposition for sex. I find this all quite troubling.


patrick said...

omg i am so happy this exists.

and if you carry around a corn on the cob i will love you forever.

Corrigan said...

I like how "can I go home with you?" is followed by "can I have sex with you?" From my perspective, this can only mean he wanted to have relations with you right there on the platform, to which you should have replied "Sure, I'll have sex with you right here in broad daylight in plain view of the attendant, but if you don't finish before the next brown line train arrives, I get to knock out what's left of your teeth. Deal?" And if he thinks you're serious, you can whip out your firearm/mace can and tell him to scram.